Swimming

I've been swimming a lot lately and I don't understand why. I enjoy it because it helps me to stay in shape and mixes it up from my normal running routine, but other than that? I don't like how my head feels under the water, vulnerable and helpless and sometimes I panic that I won't be able to get a breath in when I need it. My most feared way to die is drowning, and I don't feel like I work out as much when I am swimming as I am when I am running. I can't listen to my music, and I'm not super stoked to go.

I've been contemplating the idea that I go after things that scare me the most. I've really gotten into horror novels lately, mostly because I am waiting for one to really scare me. I haven't read one that has scared me yet and now it's almost anxious excitement when I pick up a Stephen King book to see if this will be the one that actually scares me. The whole idea of swimming is rather boring to me, but I am scared of having my head under water too long and not being able to get back up, or being vulnerable to anything when I am swimming. So is that why I got after it?

Another example. The sight of gas masks scare me a little. I don't know why, but they kind of freak me out. I'm drawing one in one of my big art projects for Kane. Now I think you are starting to get the picture. Do I pursue love because I am afraid of it? Are my motivations for anything influenced by my terror on the subject? I am not sure but it is interesting to think about motivations. Why would I do something that I am ultimately not all that comfortable with? Or that plays on my biggest fears? Who knows. Just a bunch of babble to stimulate conversation, and hopefully some sense of flow in my life.