Senior Year

I'm not quite sure how to feel about it. On the one hand a have a fairly large portfolio to put together before the spring, on the other I have Sean and Karlie. The two people who have stuck by me always and who I am going to miss dearly once college starts. I have time, but not much, not enough. Lila is so young...so much changes in just a year at that age and I'm afraid I'm going to miss it. My worst fear is one day I'm going to come home from school and she won't remember who I am because I've been gone for so long. I know that it's my life and I need to live it, but if I could keep everyone I love with me for the ride that would be even better...and since I am considering a school in Georgia that might not be possible.

I need to do research in the next few months about careers. I've been interested in architecture lately, and I'm hoping that's not just because of 500 Days of Summer...(Tangent warning) It seems like a lot of things I accidently take from things I've seen or read about. Example: Drawing. Read a book about a girl who was an artist right before I started doing it. I was so jealous that she could paint all these beautiful landscapes and draw these portraits, even if it was just a book! Other things like that happen...(Tangent over)
I'm also interested in animation (because a girl in my class mentioned that's what she wanted to do and I thought it was an awesome idea), graphic design (because mr. bardos was talking about a blockhead who went on to college to be a graphic designer and now he's doing really well in it). See? I mean I guess some of it's inspiration, but I kinda wish I knew what was right for me, and not just take what is right for other people.

I do know one thing. I need to create. That's what I do. Even when I was writing (I still am, just without the idea of becoming a writer) or making music, it was the process of creation that i was drawn to. Being able to say something is entirely your own...it's liberating.

I have a new stalker

So somehow I seemed to have picked up a blogging maniac on my stalker list! Welcome whoever you may be.

Today I got to throw and use the wheel in my spare time. It was really relaxing after I had a huge test that I'd been cramming all night for. I'd like to get a wheel to use at home, but I know that I don't have the space or the time for it...I'd really just like to get a loft style house like what the main characters have in the movie Ghost.

Drawing is going well. Started my new project and I am hoping to get a teacher to teach me how to stretch my own canvas so I don't have to buy any anymore. Then I can start painting! I will probably spend a fortune on pain this summer but I don't think I care... I just once again have problems with SPACE. I have a desk, but my room is carpeted and paint and carpet don't flow well. Good thing I am going to art school soon where I have my own studio space! Soon, but not really soon enough.

I've also had paper airplanes stuck in my head a lot lately, not quite sure why, but I think it's a mixture of 500 Days of Summer and MIA song. Anyway, they are being incoorporated into my drawing so if your wondering, that's why.

Swimming

I've been swimming a lot lately and I don't understand why. I enjoy it because it helps me to stay in shape and mixes it up from my normal running routine, but other than that? I don't like how my head feels under the water, vulnerable and helpless and sometimes I panic that I won't be able to get a breath in when I need it. My most feared way to die is drowning, and I don't feel like I work out as much when I am swimming as I am when I am running. I can't listen to my music, and I'm not super stoked to go.

I've been contemplating the idea that I go after things that scare me the most. I've really gotten into horror novels lately, mostly because I am waiting for one to really scare me. I haven't read one that has scared me yet and now it's almost anxious excitement when I pick up a Stephen King book to see if this will be the one that actually scares me. The whole idea of swimming is rather boring to me, but I am scared of having my head under water too long and not being able to get back up, or being vulnerable to anything when I am swimming. So is that why I got after it?

Another example. The sight of gas masks scare me a little. I don't know why, but they kind of freak me out. I'm drawing one in one of my big art projects for Kane. Now I think you are starting to get the picture. Do I pursue love because I am afraid of it? Are my motivations for anything influenced by my terror on the subject? I am not sure but it is interesting to think about motivations. Why would I do something that I am ultimately not all that comfortable with? Or that plays on my biggest fears? Who knows. Just a bunch of babble to stimulate conversation, and hopefully some sense of flow in my life.

self destructive behavior

So I've been thinking over personal experiences as well as other things people have told me about their lives and I started talking to one of my friends about self destructive behavior. it really is an interesting topic, mostly because of how well it applies to me and other peole like me.

The theory of self destructive behavior basically says that one will continue to live, act, or think a certain way even though they consciously know it will be detremental to their health, happiness, and well-being. The way I see it there are two kinds of SDB's. First there's analytical which deals with looking at every detail of everything and pulling it apart until you find something wrong. There are variations that have to do with this, but the basics have to do with looking too hard at the details.

The second is dealing with relationships. Even though the person knows fully well that they don't fit well with another person, they continue trying to pursue it in hopes that it will finally work out and they will have no more conflict. I haven't discussed this one, but I also think there is a third. Thinking about the past too much. You start to dwell on decisions that you made that you can't do anything about, and you wish you could change it. I have experienced all three of these at one point and time, but the last one kills me the most.

What I am interested in is why people have these tendencies, or more importantly, me? I can make myself completely sick over any of these three things even if it is not really all that important. Loss is a major part of it, I think. I've never been good with loss, part of the reason I really like film photography right now. It helps you cope and it also teaches how to deal with loss in a weird twisted artistic way.

Fore example: If you lose all your pictures because you did something stupid like put the chemicals in wrong, it's your own fault, so you have to deal with that. Then you have to deal with how to fix it. Even though you're heartbroken you lost all your amazing pictures, feeling that way will never bring them back. Then you hafta learn how to learn from your mistakes, move on, and fix your problem. Obviously fixing your problem is a little less complicated in photography than in real life, but it's a good comparison, I think.

I'm having to deal with that kind of loss, and be reminded of it every day. It's not easy to move on at all, especially with my little problem, but I thought it was getting better. Until today that is. I don't know what it is that makes me care about people that don't deserve it, or that I should hate because of what they have done, but I can't not care. Weird right? I'm plagued by caring.

Anyway, I just wish I could move on easily. Hopefully me thinking and posting about it will help some. Karlie and I are having our seven year friendship anniversiary tomorrow and hopefully that will take my mind off of everything.