So I've been thinking over personal experiences as well as other things people have told me about their lives and I started talking to one of my friends about self destructive behavior. it really is an interesting topic, mostly because of how well it applies to me and other peole like me.
The theory of self destructive behavior basically says that one will continue to live, act, or think a certain way even though they consciously know it will be detremental to their health, happiness, and well-being. The way I see it there are two kinds of SDB's. First there's analytical which deals with looking at every detail of everything and pulling it apart until you find something wrong. There are variations that have to do with this, but the basics have to do with looking too hard at the details.
The second is dealing with relationships. Even though the person knows fully well that they don't fit well with another person, they continue trying to pursue it in hopes that it will finally work out and they will have no more conflict. I haven't discussed this one, but I also think there is a third. Thinking about the past too much. You start to dwell on decisions that you made that you can't do anything about, and you wish you could change it. I have experienced all three of these at one point and time, but the last one kills me the most.
What I am interested in is why people have these tendencies, or more importantly, me? I can make myself completely sick over any of these three things even if it is not really all that important. Loss is a major part of it, I think. I've never been good with loss, part of the reason I really like film photography right now. It helps you cope and it also teaches how to deal with loss in a weird twisted artistic way.
Fore example: If you lose all your pictures because you did something stupid like put the chemicals in wrong, it's your own fault, so you have to deal with that. Then you have to deal with how to fix it. Even though you're heartbroken you lost all your amazing pictures, feeling that way will never bring them back. Then you hafta learn how to learn from your mistakes, move on, and fix your problem. Obviously fixing your problem is a little less complicated in photography than in real life, but it's a good comparison, I think.
I'm having to deal with that kind of loss, and be reminded of it every day. It's not easy to move on at all, especially with my little problem, but I thought it was getting better. Until today that is. I don't know what it is that makes me care about people that don't deserve it, or that I should hate because of what they have done, but I can't not care. Weird right? I'm plagued by caring.
Anyway, I just wish I could move on easily. Hopefully me thinking and posting about it will help some. Karlie and I are having our seven year friendship anniversiary tomorrow and hopefully that will take my mind off of everything.
